1. |
fourteen
04:24
|
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"
I was raped at fourteen
and I'm not using this as another tragedy to make my art more appealing
or to make you pity me
and bring you closer to
"understanding" me
but instead,
as an encouragement
for those that have faced any sort of trauma,
no matter how small
--don't be afraid to open it into discussion.
but before you do,
analyze your feelings
regarding the past.
If you bring it up
what do you want people to see?
do you want them
to see a
"victim"
?
because
you should never
ever
want to be the victim
but instead,
the hero
show "them"
that you've been through
some
sort
of
s h i t
and that you
don't need Anyone's
pity
because you've
overcome
that heartache
and you're a good person
you're the hero
no matter how bad
things have been
show "them"
that you're strong
and that you can
overcome
more adversity
and you can
come out
a
role model
and show
t h e m
that you're truly proud with the person you've become
but first you must work
and it's
a difficult job
but you must try your hardest
to fill the holes in your heart
with nothing but
your
self
and
use that
pain
that you
have
in your heart
as a tool
not so that
people may understand you
but so that
you may understand people
use this
to help the world
one person
at a time
and know
you're no longer
the victim
instead
you're
the
victor
"
— Olivia
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2. |
||||
"
when I failed out of college a huge weight was lifted from my chest
through degrees of separation I found that degrees were separating us
only serving the cause of labeling us most likely to be happy
society told me how to be
but I find I'm much happier being me
I will never define myself or those around me, by the level of education under their belt
because that's a boring fucking way
to be a
worthless
spacious
machine
and the guilt at first killed me
another fuck-up in the family
but the pressure was too much
—every panic attack every class every stare I wanted to take my father's pistol and say goodbye to my friends wanted to lose my head shaking until cold lost my dignity
with every shake of the hand—
I'm scared of what's ahead
but I'd rather be afraid
than continue to be dead
"
— J.D.
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3. |
soccer ball
01:53
|
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"
'You were a fuck up when you were a kid. Don't you ever say a damn word about mine.'
'Nobody died and made you the king of the universe; who the fuck cares what you think?'
while you were yelling at dad, I was thinking about how I was just like him; I chugged a bit of cough medicine, and found the time rift under my bed
I scraped my knees falling in
I hit my head against the pavement
I landed in our driveway,
and there at my face
was a lonely soccerball
I shrugged and walked a few miles to my old school's baseball field, and there was a kid there that looked just like me
he was sucking on sunflower seeds, and he didn't look too happy,
he says to me:
'all my friends are taller than me, and everything I feel is low'
"
— Jackson
|
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4. |
fox wound
02:52
|
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"
I want to pull me up and lick my wounds with my old sandpaper tongue
and I need to try to stop lying
need to rip my throat out, and shove it back again
so i can swallow my acid spit
and breathe in my words, my thoughts and reason
the reasons why I'm such a fucking face in the bushes
and all these times I never told my mother, that I want to die, that I've wanted to cry my whole fucking life
and all these times I never told my father,
that I was made a pretty girl,
but shit got fucked somewhere down the line
I'm trying so hard to be someone I can love
but it's so difficult
when I'm stuck making others happy, but I still feel selfish
sometimes I just need to
place my temple on the asphalt
and slow my breathing
til it stops
listening to the purr of cars
like a fox in roadkill
"
— J.D.
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5. |
closer
02:19
|
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"
took my father's rifle
and shot up my school
he said he never saw it coming
but everyone knew
and now all those kids are dead
and I'm no longer here
but in the grand scheme of things
it was just fine
it was just fine
"
— Oliver
|
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6. |
wreck
03:46
|
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"
I hate everyone I love
for keeping me anchored to this earth
it's in all their god damned support
that I can't leave behind
a happy corpse
with a smile on my face
and a hole in my chest
'cause there was a hole in my heart
that no one could fix
father asks 'why' but please I don't know why mother keeps crying she can't let me go talk going around about being institutionalized cringing in my mind about the thought of being exorcised there's a demon in my brain and he's eating all my joy he's the same spawn of satan that made me the boy I am I am I am I am I am I am I am I am I am
I am
such a fucking wreck
and I'm sort of scared
I'm 19 years old
already dead-set on being alone
so give me my klonopin
and leave me alone
or god come about
and let me leave home
'cause I hate myself
for being self-involved
and I love myself
for being better than all
with my nose in the air
I can truly say
you would miss me too much
if I were gone
"
— Jackson
|
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7. |
ghost legs
03:08
|
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"
underneath the table
little ghost legs stick out
worn out from hide and seek
from being weak
from the ceiling
my legs fall down
worn out from all the running
from being
stepping on sunflower seeds at the carnival
dangling from swing-sets in the schoolyard
tapping under a desk filled with poetic bullshit
squeaking in halls after the rain
so restless now let me rest
closer still
closer still
narcissistic in my self-loathing
little ghost legs, run on home
"
— J.D.
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8. |
little slugger
02:04
|
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"
if you're the same as you were last year
then what have you done to grow
and if there's no dirt under your nails
you're digging yourself a hole
you may scrape your knees
climbing on to the roof
but once you see the view
you'll know the pain was worth it
"
— Olivia
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9. |
ski mask
03:07
|
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"
I'm looking for a reason
one that will keep me here this time
it's this damned season
I pray for harmony here this time
I'm nervous in the season
I've got to show everyone who I am
no one said it would be easy
to be a pseudolamb inside a man
so, shoot me down
I pray for harmony in sight of god
so, shoot me down
I'm forgetting my place again
at best I'm pretentious
tangents in my mind are easier to find
at best I'm not quiet
the best of my words fall short before they lie
you won't understand
at best I'm optimistic
I don't hate this world one bit
I just hate being in it
I just want to be kind
but I'm angry in every way
I am the devil
and the deep blue sea
and I take myself too seriously
"
— J.D.
|
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10. |
daydream
04:14
|
|||
"
in my head, I killed you all
and you all begged me
and for once, I felt powerful
in my head, they accepted me
said I wasn't crazy
and for once, I felt alright
in my head, I killed my all
and you all mourned me
and for once, I felt at peace
in my head, they knew me
said I was their friend
and for once, I felt like living
I felt like living
"
— Oliver
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11. |
||||
"
infected youth
grow spokesmen of gray
she loved him so
and he left
he said he wished her to die
and she cried
closer, still
to whatever may come of heartbreak
then she found her self self sea sick
lost in an ocean
without her pharmacy fisherman
and she found it was too hard
to stand up on her own
she wished she could die
never mind
the growing weight
in what she can't stomach
left in the womb all alone
she lost that baby on her own
she just laid still
left in the womb all alone
she lost that baby on her own
she became still
after that she never felt right
she just laid still
still
never told anyone about the child
she just stayed still
still
she told me
and I cried,
still
and I died,
I died a small bit
I died
and now I think about it all the time
would it be better
would it be nicer
than me
I hope that I'm not right
I can't face that kind of life
shadowed by someone never alive
but how could she love me
after her heart was broken in two
how could she be proud
after her heart was taken from her
I wonder about my sibling
if a heaven has a
place
for
her
but god you work so strangely
you take smiles so quickly
so quietly
a blade can cut so quickly
but my legs won't die so quietly
i don't want to keep going
I've got to keep going
if not for my mother,
then for the one we've lost
still,
a better world
a nicer world
how can I redeem myself
for my
failure
I'll never know her
she was never here
I am failing
to live on
for myself
I'm sorry
I love you
I'm sorry
I didn't
say it enough
you could've asked
why I am alive
why am
I
alive
"
— J.D.
|
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12. |
but I can't stay here
03:19
|
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"
walking down the aisle
tears fill no eyes
it's a beautiful day
a glorious way
to survive
cars follow me
are you in one of them
cars follow best suit
in line for the fun of it
it's a gas
lift up my limp wrist
place your warmth in mine
kiss my frothing mouth
wait for help to arrive
declare me lost before found
couldn't stand to see you cry
mother, I tried my hardest
it was difficult not to die
"
— Hunter
I'm sorry.
|
nouns Little Rock, Arkansas
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